Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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