i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize