I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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