I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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