why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
