I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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