Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
