before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Fuck me I smell like cheese
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
