she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
if only i could text you this smell
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
