The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
