Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
