He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
