He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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