you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
