I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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