I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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