I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Randomize
