just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
