So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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