Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
