I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
