1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
