So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
