she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
