The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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