How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
