I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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