I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
