Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
