Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
