And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
