im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
