two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
