you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
