Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
