i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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