where am i from again
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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