my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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