Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
