I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I lost the right to judge tonight
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