party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
