My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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