I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
