I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
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