Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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