There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
