I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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