Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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