you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
