I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
