If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
