You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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