So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
