When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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