He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
